At Least I am Free

If this song doesn’t describe my outlook on life for the past couple years, I don’t know what does.

I spent much too long cloaked under what others wanted me to be.

My high school best friend never forgave me for going off to a college an hour away from our hometown. For her, that was too far. For me, that wasn’t quite far enough.

All she wanted was for the two of us to stay in the same city, work dead-end jobs, and grow old and grey together.

The thought of that life terrified me. After moving, every time I entered the down, a suffocating feeling would hit me.  I wanted so much more for my future than that town could offer. It had been my dream for years to leave Michigan and make a new life in Seattle (somehow I missed the mark and ended up in Virginia…). I tried to make it work for a few years, but our relationship was never the same. It became a lot of me giving, and giving, and giving, but getting nothing in return. It’s mentally exhausting.

She has since made some poor life choices and put herself and her children in a position that I can’t agree with. Instead of pretending to be supportive of her and wear myself down trying, I decided to begin doing what was best for me. I felt so free after deciding that I wasn’t going to bend over backwards for her anymore.

A year and a half later, I don’t regret my decision. We still talk on the rare occasions I’m in town – I’ll drop by the coffee shop she works at and chat. I may be down a friend, but I’d much rather have a tiny circle of people that want me for me, and not what they can tun me into.

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